You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
