there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
