Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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