just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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