if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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