i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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