my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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