Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
