I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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