omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize