Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
