the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
