Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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