I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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