there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
