didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize