someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
one might say we're banned from that church
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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