Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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