my phone needs a breathalizer
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
