a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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