what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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