shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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