I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
