I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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