Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
