hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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