Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
