Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
