Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
