the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
