Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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