is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
