You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
