You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
