your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
