I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
