I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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