careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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