ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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