Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
