I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
