Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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