i barfeds in our rink
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
