He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
