perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize