I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
