The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
