I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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