ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
