The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
