I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
