Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
