I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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