I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just threw up on my dentist
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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