I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
