Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
