I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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