Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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