I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
