So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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