i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
