I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize