I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
