If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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