Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
