The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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